Loss is part of life
Our life begins with loss and it is central to our condition. From the moment of conception to the moment we take our last breath human beings are exposed to a series of losses which will shock us, sadden us, diminish us and cause us untold grief. Thankfully most of us are spared too much heartache in our lifetime. Loss could be described as an inner wounding which is unique to each individual at a personal level and yet is common to all mankind universally. It is a perfectly normal and natural response to being human and there is no shame in our need for grieving. Whether we take these events in our stride or are unbearably overwhelmed by them, they, nevertheless, present us with opportunities for reflection, reparation, transformation and also new beginnings.
What influences how we cope with loss?
The universal forces of nature are such that all organisms are constantly striving to maintain a state of equilibrium in order to survive. A severe loss can upset the status quo to such an extent that our internal systems are thrown into a temporary state of emergency. Every single one of us knows from experience how devastating and debilitating these times can be. How we meet our personal challenges depends very much on how the external world has taught us to cope on previous occasions, from when we were very young to the present day, and how resilient we are by nature. This is why every loss is so unique to the individual whilst at the same time being a universally shared human experience. Our nervous system has to find ways of soothing our bodies and minds so that we can return ourselves to a state of equilibrium as soon as possible and get on with life again.
Depending upon how attached we were to the thing or person that we have lost, and how we have coped in the past, this can take a very long time. The degree of attachment depends upon how much of ourselves we invested in the person or object that is no longer present. The parts of us that were energized and found meaning in this external ‘other’, which is no more, will feel depleted of their life force. Grieving helps us to make sense of this.
How well prepared we were for the loss at the time is also an important factor in our healing. For example, if Grandpa dies at the age of 93 from a heart attack, generally we are sufficiently prepared for his death and may even feel some relief. If on the other hand, a loved one dies suddenly, unexpectedly or prematurely, then a system which is inadequately prepared can go into shock. In shock we experience an existential threat which is frightening and which causes us to switch into protective behaviours which may or may not be familiar to us and which may appear extreme.
Any sudden loss which threatens our survival or meaning in life such as divorce, redundancy, retirement, health issues, to name but a few, will be perceived as a shock and is likely to require longer for our system to re-balance itself and require more resources than may be readily available. If unresolved it can have lasting effects on our relationships whether within the family, with friends or at work.
Some losses are less easy to identify than others. An unrecognised loss can be the experience of something we have never had, for example, the loss of ‘what might have been’. The lack of an early good attachment experience will impact us considerably for the rest of our life. The dreams of youth and unfulfilled hopes also fall into this category. For example, not obtaining a university place of one’s choice or having to choose between two job opportunities, two careers even. Whether or not to have children is a decision which can have repercussions at different times in our life and sometimes this is not even a choice. These are the ‘what if’s’ and ‘if only’s’ of life, the unknowns that can torment our minds.
How does loss affect us in our day-to-day lives?
However insignificant or important the impact of the loss we all need time, space and support to help us heal the rupture to our system and to lick our wounds. It is vital that our need for loving kindness be recognised at this time. We are likely to feel fragile, vulnerable and dysregulated. We may experience mood swings, lack of confidence, feelings of hopelessness, helplessness and overwhelm. We may become unpredictably tearful, angry and fearful. We may find we hardly recognise ourselves in our behaviour and this can also be frightening. We often feel that we are going to remain in this state for ever, and that life will never be good again. These reactions are normal and are our human way of valuing what we have lost.
Animals behave uncharacteristically in the presence of death, for example elephants stand very still and silently around their loved ones, sometimes for days on end, while chimpanzees cluster quietly round their dead in a way that is not typical of their usual behaviour. So it is not surprising that our behaviour can also appear strange. Some cultures mourn in outwardly very expressive ways. We in the western world generally do not condone extreme outpourings of grief and I wonder whether that interferes with our ability to mourn effectively.
Anniversaries can be particularly difficult times to deal with as they often bring back powerful memories and feelings of longing and despair. Likewise, revisiting places connected to the loss can be just as painful. Often those around us have already moved on and may be unaware that we are still in mourning. This is when we might hear unhelpful comments such as “it’s been a year now since ........” and “isn’t it time to move on .........”. Well meaning friends and family try to cheer us up, but nothing seems to work. How do we ‘get over it’?
Coming to terms with loss
The answer is, we don’t get over it as such; we find ways of living with our memories and our challenges. Rather than letting go of something or replacing it with something else we learn to accommodate the loss into our everyday life so that it no longer has such a firm hold on us. This may require periods of solitude and quiet stillness, spending time in nature, listening to the needs of our bodies as well as our minds. At the same time connection to others ensures that we maintain a connection to our true essence and do not lose sight of who we are.
For children up to the age of about seven, life and death co-exist in ever circular motion; people and pets die and yet magically come to life again in the imagination. Similarly after loss, we can give birth to ourselves again and again in different ways. By making positive memories we honour that which has been loved and lost and free ourselves to be available for new life.
All matter is in a constant state of change; not to change is contrary to the life force within us and obstructing this natural flow of energy will have a detrimental effect on our psyche. Guilt and unfulfilled longing will constrict this free flow of energy whereas opening the heart again to loving connections will allow for healing and growth.
Loss strengthens us and equips us with resources to cope with life’s vicissitudes. That which has been internalised enriches us and can never be lost. By offering love and compassion to ourselves we find the capacity to transform sadness into gratitude, despair into hope, guilt into forgiveness and anger into surrender. In a state of acceptance and ease a space opens up which allows for new beginnings and for peace and joy to be welcomed back as good and faithful friends.
“The wound is the place where the light enters you.” - Rumi
Diana Collins is an Integrative Psychotherapist and is running a course ‘Recovering from Loss’ for 6 weeks, starting on Monday 2nd March from 10am - 12pm.
For more information contact Diana on: 07801 418474